Easily Triggered to React? The Wise Choose to Consciously Respond Instead
From Reaction to Response: How to Break Free from Triggers
Last week, I presented a webinar to the SHRM community in St. Louis where I talked about why people are being triggered into survival states so easily and frequently.
When we are experiencing excess stress that builds and builds in our bodies and lives, our tolerance for triggers is diminished. What previously we might have ignored or dismissed, instead, elicits anger or hurt.
Once triggered, we are more likely to revert to reacting unconsciously with our past patterns.
A pattern of feeling attacked, causing us to defend and fight back.
A pattern of being bullied or shamed, causing us to want to run away or shut down.
A pattern of not being heard, causing us to raise our voice or stop speaking altogether.
A pattern of betrayal, causing us to struggle with trust and keep people at a distance.
A pattern of unpredictability or chaos, causing us to crave control.
Everyday work practices are more easily triggering people because their tolerance is lower due to chronic stress.
As a result, people end up in states of survival that are neither helpful nor productive.
In my webinar, I shared how we can update our workplace and people-related operating systems to improve our results for people and businesses. Let’s look at the reactions we see when people are triggered by their past patterns.
Disclaimer: Let me start by saying the following may also be triggering; it may feel uncomfortable or even rub up against something inside you that causes discomfort. This is your warning that it’s possible you won’t like everything that comes next.
Which is totally natural because we’ve all lived different experiences and sometimes when we hear perspectives that are contradictory to our understanding or beliefs, we react to defend rather than consciously respond.
And it’s still important to share and discuss the most difficult topics. Which is what I try to do, despite the risk that some might attack or dislike me as a result.
How easily we become triggered…
After delivering my talk, the same day I had just such an experience myself.
On social media, it’s easy for people to cast judgment and attack those they do not know with vicious and unkind words. I experienced this firsthand and upon reflection, there are some valuable lessons in it.
The Story
The exact details don’t really matter so I won’t share the situation word for word. But essentially, my mother was attacked online for a comment expressing compassion and prayers for people who are hurting. The response was a direct attack on her character.
I chose to carefully craft a message of support for my mother and her compassion. To defend her message as one not of politics but of humanity and guided by her faith and her compassion for those who hurt.
The response I received was a full-fledged attack on me, my family, and so much more. A person who has never met me, looked at a few things on social media and decided it told him, “Everything he needed to know about me,” and then felt justified to say some pretty awful things.
Of course I was triggered. I felt a bodily reaction immediately in response.
Anytime we are directly attacked, especially if it includes an attack on our families, our internal defenses get activated to react, protect, and defend oneself. I could immediately feel the rush of adrenaline and desire to spout back a reactive retort.
But I am also aware that triggered reactions are not only not helpful, but they can also actually become even more harmful. As a result, I knew that in order to respond wisely I needed to take a pause and process the experience before deciding what to do next.
My Reflection & Insights
Earlier the same day, I shared a new article on not labeling humans as good or bad, that it’s unhealthy and unhelpful. In it, I talk about the problem with classifying people into categories of good or bad.
What a fantastic opportunity for me to immediately utilize my own words of wisdom in my very own life.
Here, I was faced with a situation where it would be so much easier to just view this person as “bad.” But I know better from all my learning of neuroscience and the human body.
He did not come into this world wired with hatred, anger, and disgust.
He did not come into this world filled with evil and a desire to hurt other humans.
He did not have his beliefs and opinions when he arrived here on earth.
Instead, he’s lived a life that has created neural pathways in his brain and body that cause him to react in such a negative and hurtful way. His experiences and environment have shaped his views and beliefs. Determining whether they are right or wrong, well that depends on who’s judging.
One belief he shared was that there are only two valid religions. Whatever he has experienced and learned in his life has led him to this conclusion. Quite simply, it’s how his brain is wired.
While I disagree wholeheartedly with his belief, it is just that - his belief.
Not fact. Certainly, not my reality.
Also, not everyone’s reality.
But it is his reality.
And he can only view the world through his own lens.
Which means, I must also see him as a human being, imperfect just as we all are.
I must also be willing to accept he is a mixture of good and bad choices, not just an evil or bad person. That he likely loves his family, cares for those in his life, and has lived a life of some sort of purpose.
How do I prevent being triggered into an unwise reaction?
We all know the pattern of violence. One attack begets another in retaliation and on and on it goes. I’d like to offer an alternative approach.
Rather than react based upon how I feel about what he’s said, I must consciously consider what inside of him must have led him to say such things to begin with.
By understanding why people react the way we do, we can find our way to having compassion for them. Even if they don’t have the same for us.
I had to understand that something I said must have triggered something within him that required him not just defend but attack me in return.
To be so triggered by a message of compassion must mean there is a painful past pattern that has created it.
As I dissected what he said, through a lens of how he must feel to say these things, I began to see a different person. Rather than the older man attacking me with hurtful words, I saw a boy who was likely not offered compassion when he was in pain.
A boy who might have experienced such intolerance in his life that he grew up to be intolerant.
A boy or young man who wasn’t allowed to hurt, who had to be strong and carry or bury all his pain.
A boy who might have been scared by stories or situations involving people of different religions.
A boy who believes everything he’s learned is right and anyone else who disagrees is wrong.
I could go on with hypotheticals about a person I’ll never know, let alone know their true story, but the point is clear.
His triggered reaction was not really to what I wrote, but rather how he felt in response to what I wrote.
When we peel back the mask of what appears on the surface, beneath it are these patterns of our past. Patterns that are totally unconscious, so natural we believe they are the only way to be.
But these unconscious patterns are really writing our present-day story.
We think we are choosing how we think, feel, and behave. That we are conscious and intentional with everything we say and do. But the truth is, 95% of our daily processes are totally unconscious. Which means, until we recognize and rewire them, our past patterns are really the ones in charge.
Anytime we react rather than consciously and coherently respond, it’s a past pattern playing its part.
When we react with anger and outrage, with violence and a desire to hurt or harm - it’s a past pattern to protect ourselves.
When we react by running away, avoiding, ignoring or staying apart - it’s a past pattern to protect us from harm.
When we react by shutting down, disconnecting, numbing, and medicating ourselves - it’s a past pattern to provide us comfort in the storm.
When we react by trying to fix it, to please and appease, to prioritize others’ needs - it’s a past pattern meant to manage and mitigate against our risk of pain.
While I’ve used an example of someone who clearly has opposing views and beliefs to mine, the same rules apply to us all. We are all human - no matter what our race, religion, nationality, gender, or life experiences.
Example of Someone with Similar Views
I also interacted with a person close to me in my life who shares views more similarly aligned to mine. She reacted with anger outrage and a desire to fight back against what isn’t right. Her past patterns were activated to protect people’s rights, to fight and defend against what might cause her harm.
I said the same to her, as I’m sharing here about this man. That her angered fight reaction is a past pattern. While it’s real and helpful information, it is not a helpful state for engaging in meaningful interactions with others to bring change.
While we have a need and right to feel and express our feelings, we must do so in healthy ways.
We must discharge our anger with action and movement.
It’s okay to feel scared when we are threatened and angry when others try to harm us. It’s also necessary to move this distressing energy out of our bodies.
Only then can we bring our bodies back into a balanced coherent state where we can consciously consider how to respond rather than react. Where we can access all the creativity of our minds, compassion of our hearts and courage of our gut intelligence and apply it in wise and meaningful ways that bring conscious change.
Where do we go from here?
Our country is quite split right now. The disagreement and discord are escalating quickly. There is anger and outrage on both sides, and both feel justified in their beliefs and for their actions.
If we allow our innate human survival instincts, our most primitive animalistic reactions, to control what happens next, we can predict exactly what will happen. We will get stuck in survival perpetually fighting, fleeing, freezing or fawning.
Most likely, we’ll end up at war with each other yet again.
Not just fighting with words sent electronically but with violence and death.
If we keep staying in states of survival with fear and past patterns driving our decisions and actions, the result to humanity will be devastating.
But we are wiser today.
We’ve evolved our species to have conscious cognitive rational thought and creativity, emotional intelligence values and compassion, and a desire to courageously take action in spite of our fears. This superior intelligence can supersede our primitive primal survival instincts if we intentionally choose to do so.
Steps to Wise Decisions & Actions:
First, we bring our bodies into balanced coherent states with regulated nervous systems.
Second, we connect with our intelligences to access our embodied intelligence to give us wisdom - from the creativity of our mind, compassion of our hearts, and courage of our guts.
Third, from this state we start to tackle the challenges with those that will engage and work together. We identify the most compassionate creative and courageous next step we can take…and we do it!
If we do this, we can evolve our species to find solutions that aren’t rooted in our primitive need for survival.
Reflection
Complete the step’s above and ask yourself the following:
Will you stay stuck in survival?
…or will you acknowledge the current state?
Will you ignore or deny your past patterns?
…or will you become aware and rewire them?
Will you react unconsciously to situations?
…or will you work to shift into more conscious and wise ways of being?
Will you fall into fight, flight, fawn or freeze?
…or will you be compassionate courageous and creative?
What is the next most creative, compassionate, and courageous step you can take?
How can you embody being the most compassionate, creative, and courageous human being you can be every day?
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Such beautiful insight into the triggering effect.