Start with the Heart: Begin Building the Bridge
How do we begin building the bridge between people's polarized perspectives?
Over the past few weeks, I’ve observed various reactions to the election and exploring different perspectives on the election results. I personally began to see just how much our neurophysiological responses shaped both the campaigns and the outcomes of them.
To process my experience, I began writing an analysis with a set of suggested strategies for moving forward that are radically different from what we’ve ever done before. (If you’re interested, stay tuned—I’ll be releasing this series soon.)
As a result of these efforts, an important underlying theme emerged:
How do we move forward more wisely than we have before?
We live in a world where we are bound to a timeline that prohibits us from moving in any direction other than forward. We have no choice but to continue to progress from one moment to the next.
Similarly, we cannot simply “leave” or “opt out” of our experience on earth. Instead, we are being forced to determine how humanity will continue moving forward despite deeply polarized views on how best to do so.
The Insanity of Repeating Past Patterns
Einstein is often misquoted as saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.”
This famous statement is highly impactful because it simply states the obvious. Repeating our patterns while hoping they will lead us to a different outcome is not only ineffective but foolish.
Unfortunately, much of what we saw play out in politics was this type of insanity, a past pattern we are repeating once again.
We have well-documented history on past events where we’ve been faced with similar challenges. We know exactly how we (as humans) handled them, and what occurred as a result. Despite this knowledge, we see humans repeating the same patterns throughout history.
In fact, we are so trapped within our patterns we can’t even see how we are replaying the same plot over and over again.
We think that if we just “try harder,” “raise more money,” “articulate more clearly,” and so on, that we can create a different result. But the human body does not operate like a machine—reliable and predictable based on its programming.
The human body is wired to respond in ways that are often far from rational.
Persuading People to Adopt New Perspectives
The real truth is, no matter:
how many advertisements were run at the best times,
how many debates were held or how compelling they were,
how many rallies or speeches were given to the largest crowds,
how many conversations about differences in policy took place,
none of this was going to persuade people to change their perspectives. In fact, the more people feel pushed, the more skeptical and resistant they become.
Human beings are not logical machines that can be given adequate data and make a purely rational decision based upon it. In fact, the human body is pre-programmed to resist changing whenever possible to conserve resources and survive.
Our bodies don’t like to change. It’s inefficient for our core purpose of survival. Which means, changing people’s perspective and opinion is fighting against human nature.
Don’t get me wrong—this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t change.
Nor does it mean we should do nothing to persuade others.
It does, however, mean that we have to reconsider our approach.
Our Current Approach
To date, we typically approach change as a management practice.
How do we coerce people into changing in ways that align with what we want or need? How do we give them the information they need and the motivation to act upon it to do what we want them to do despite their resistance?
In reality, we aren’t truly trying to transform, change, or evolve people—we’re trying force them to think, feel, and do what we want or believe they should.
We’re sharing what we already know, hoping to influence their beliefs, emotions, and actions. In our mostly head-and gut-brained society, we rely primarily on logic or fear to convince people to do what we want.
Head Brained Approach: We will use data, facts, and information to try to logically convince people of our perspective or point of view.
Gut Brained Approach: We will portray the situation in such a way as to foster fears people already have about the issue or topic to promote the action, we desire they take.
Which approach is most likely to win?
Fear will beat logic in every race.
Fear triggers our survival response, and when we are in survival mode, our neural networks or intelligences are shut down, offline, and inaccessible. In this state, we operate purely on our instincts, passed down to us by our ancestors, guiding our actions and decisions around what will keep us safe.
All the painful experiences and wounds we’ve endured created patterns within our system to protect us. These past patterns and fears will supersede both the logic of our head brain and the values of our heart intelligence.
Identifying Past Patterns Protecting Us
What past patterns might you be experiencing? By identifying them we can begin to become aware of how they might be impacting us.
Read the following lists and as you do just notice the reaction in your body.
Potential Patterns Passed onto People:
Don’t be different, or you’ll be excluded.
Don’t trust others (especially those unlike you or unfamiliar), or you’ll be hurt.
Stay quiet, or you might be rejected.
Blend in, or you might stand out and be excluded or attacked.
Hide your flaws, or you’ll be judged.
Don’t ask for help, or you’ll be seen as incapable.
Don’t ask questions, or you’ll seem stupid.
Don’t express emotions, or you’ll be seen as weak.
Don’t take a stand, or you’ll be seen as radical.
Examples specific to men:
Don’t appear vulnerable, or you’ll be seen as weak.
Be the provider, or you’ll lose the respect.
Don’t let go of control (or share it), or you’ll be seen as powerless.
Don’t show weakness or emotion, or you’ll be judged.
Don’t appear unmanly, or you’ll lose respect.
Don’t lose your status or authority, or you’ll be seen as irrelevant.
Don’t be controlled, or you’ll lose your freedom.
Don’t fail as a protector, or you’ll let others down.
Examples specific to women:
Don’t disagree/argue, or they won’t think you’re nice.
Don’t be too loud, big or stand out, or they won’t like you, will feel threatened, or ostracize you.
Don’t be too smart, or they’ll feel dumb and not want to work with you.
Don’t prioritize yourself; take care of others, or you’ll be seen as selfish.
Don’t be too ambitious, or you’ll be judged.
Don’t get emotional; instead appear strong and resilient, or you’ll be dismissed.
Don’t be vulnerable, or you’ll be hurt.
Don’t question authority, or you’ll be unsafe.
Don’t be independent, or you’ll end up alone.
Don’t be too assertive, or you’ll be seen as difficult.
We could go on and on…
How many of these statements resonated with you or hit home? How many of them caused a reaction in your body, even as your mind tried to deny them?
Now, take a moment to consider how these past patterns might be impacting others and their decisions. How might these patterns influence a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions?
Our Unconscious Crafts Our Current Reality
Would it surprise you to know that 95% of the body’s processes are totally unconscious?1
These past patterns (neural pathways) are impacting everything we do every day. They impact the way we think, feel, and behave, impacting the decisions we make, how we relate to one another, solve problems, work and live our lives.
If we want to help people overcome these patterns, we can’t trigger them by arguing about our differences. Instead, we must start from a place of connection.
Which brings us to starting with the heart.
Start with the Heart
Our hearts are responsible for connection (relationships), values (what is important to us), and emotions (how we feel).
To start with the heart, we must find what we share in terms of emotions or values.
How can we connect and relate to one another through empathy, recognizing their feelings, or having compassion for their experience?
What shared experiences can we draw upon to build a connection?
What values do we share or have in common? How can we build from there?
Heart-brain based Approach: We will relate to and connect with people by sharing our values, beliefs, and emotional experiences to create connection around our common interests.
Here is an example for you to consider:
While I was talking to other struggling moms, it dawned on me that nearly every mom (barring a few terrible exceptions) loves their children. How might we start from this shared place of loving our children to begin building the bridge?
As a mother, I know other mothers—regardless of their vote—love their kids and want the best for them. We may have different opinions about what and how we do that, but maybe we can learn from each other.
What is most important to you? Why is that important to you? What about that is important? How do you accomplish that?
What are you afraid of when it comes to your kids? What do you fear for them? Why does that cause you fear? What do you feel compelled to do about it?
To begin building the bridge, we first must befriend and connect with those who are different from us.
We must build communities that are a collection of different people, with different problems, beliefs, families, histories, and jobs. But finding diverse communities is difficult despite globalization and accessibility.
Definition of Community:
A community is a group of people who share commonalities such as location, interests, values, culture, or goals. Communities are characterized by a sense of connection, belonging, and interdependence among their members.
When I started building my business, the nearly universal advice was to find a niche: identify one very specific customer or client to serve—one industry, one profession, one specific issue or challenge, one customer avatar—and then message directly to them.
But when programs, workplaces, and communities bring together only people who are the same, we never get the chance to be exposed to others who are different. We don’t have communities focused on human evolution and growth where all are welcome—where all can come to learn, heal, and grow.
We need to build more of these communities, safe spaces for people to evolve and expand themselves in partnership with other human beings. A place where we can connect and learn from one another’s experiences to find better solutions today’s challenges.
Performance Partner Community
We are building a community of performance partners where everyone is welcome—a space where all can come to learn, heal, and grow together.
In our community:
You will be enlightened as you discover more about yourself and find those past patterns that you might be ready to change and constraints you want to break though.
You will also be equipped with the practices to heal from your past patterns and traumas. To release what’s been trapped in your body so you are free to evolve and grow.
Then you will be empowered with the resources to rewire your neural connections to best serve your life.
Together, we will partner and propel you to new heights in your performance.
Conclusion
As we move forward in a chaotic world with primarily polarizing perspectives, we will be better served by beginning to build bridges that start in our hearts. Together we must identify our shared values and begin to build community from this place of connection.
Only when we are truly connected are we able to earn the trust required to alter another’s perspective, opinion, or beliefs.
Reflection: What do you think?
Share with us your thoughts & insights in the comments!
How do you think we move forward in a polarized world?
How do we build bridges that bring us together?
How do we prevent being pushed further apart?
Do you think starting in the heart is the best way to begin building bridges?
SO many powerful insights here Jessica! What is it that keeps us from starting with our hearts? This has me thinking and questioning what changes we could see by allowing that vulnerability to have a place at the table.